'Cordon Bleu'

Another fishy worthy, Paddy Kirwan originating from the ould Irish port of Cork, but working the Aberdeen, Granton and Shields circuit was indeed worthy of the highly acclaimed culinary accolade, 'Cordon Bleu', as he kept telling us at every opportunity, was totally convinced that after been trained as a breakfast cook, ’well dats wot me sistificate says’, by the Edinburgh Caledonian Hotel chef who went by the name of Gordon Blew, (aalways called im ’Sor’, therefore "oim untitled ter class me'sel as a chenuine 'CB' trained chef - Paddy was fine, when broke, sober, hangover free and in the right mood, to produce a reasonable repast, sometimes when pushed for time after forgetting to put the (washed, in salt water, - just) jacket potatoes on the stove, subsequently served as hard as they were raw, he would nonchalantly say, dem tatters runs ter nothin' if dem is overdone !?, whilst gathering up the vast majority of uneaten tubors, and adding, och well they will do fine fried up for tea ar’long wid dem fry'd addock, no matter what remarks any of the crew audibly made about the cook during the meal, such as, and said with a notable non-irish accent - be jabers he aint much good at the Angel sponge but bi hivvans he's a right bugger on dis Tunder & Lightnin cake - a delicacy Paddy had learned from his Gordon Blew days, a simple form of sponge, of lead like consistency, with an ample serving of hot syrup and topped with mashed potatoes made with evaporated milk, (ach well did I not have any fresh cream handy), an besides Angel cake does not cook very well on a stove that keeps going out - just because I forgot to put a wee bit more coal on. Culinary stories do tend to attract attention, mostly from some of the heroic efforts under diabolical conditions, though from time to time the occasional out of the ordinary comes to notice, such as a last minute replacement for the poor fellow who fell and broke his leg whilst boarding his trawler somewhat the worse for wear after an extended refreshment binge prior to sailing, the newly acquired cook, collared by a weary and harassed 'ships husband' in the nearest pub, was rapidly hurried on board with almost indecent haste at the same time as reporting to the Skipper, full crew now Skip - I'll let your ropes go....................Less than twenty fours hours into a new voyage it came time for a full cooked meal, when the Mate tells the Skipper, the new cook says he has nothing to cook with, food, pots or pans, plates, the lot, which prompted the hardy skipper to respond, well let them (the crew) go hungry - not many hours later our vessel arrives back at home port to discover that our hasty replacement had literally thrown overboard every item of galley catering equipment, all food stores and anything pertaining to providing refreshments for the crew, the Skipper having sent a radio message to the Owners, had this character duly arrested on arrival and whisked away to become a guest of HM local Nick, the said trawler delayed for another day to re-store, find and re-engage a proper 'Cook'. Our neer'do'well shyster, recently engaged trawler cook, duly pled guilty as charged - delaying a merchant vessel on a lawful voyage, asked if he had anything to say in mitigation, stated, yes yer honor sir, when the gentleman (ships husband) asked if I was a 'COOK', I thought he said, 'Crook', so there you have it me Lud, bench murmurs and mutterings, 'society and industry simply can not allow such disruptive behaviour, oh well, usual fine of ten shillings or seven days, and a definite order not to allow such an incident to happen again: Sir, as ah hivint ony money or onywhere to stay the seven days wull tide me over, fine...............Sir,!!!

Fish Supper please...................you don’t know the half of it.

© Reproduced with acknowledgment to Walter L Hume Isle of Wight